Emptiness

Can anyone tell me what day it is.. or what time? Can anyone, please, go and get me a pack of Kent from the romanian shop? I'd ask E., but I acted like an idiot last night and he hasn't yet called me back..

I don't trust people.. Was is so hard for him to understand? I can't. It's a lesson that life had privately taught my subconscious. Again and again until it learnt it by heart. I have no control.

I shouted at him, yelled at him, hit, scratched, bit him until he thought I eventually calmed down.. But mentally unstable as I am, I didn't.. I still haven't calmed down. I might look peaceful, but watch closely the madness in my eyes while I'm calmly smoking this last cigarette.

I checked his phone last night. Don't get me wrong, I've never been jealous or possessive.. I was drunk, and going through a mental crisis, alcohol is really dangerous for me the people around me. I realised he had no incriminating texts or emails, and my subconscious, with its homework well done, gave me a sudden curiosity. How did he save my number??.. ''Alex - shop'' 

The last time I checked my ID I was still called Corina.. and the man I love had nothing to hide..

I was drunk.. really drunk, and I had a burning desire to make love to him fuck him wildly. I sucked his dick, but I can't remember if I enjoyed it or not.. Can't remember what happened afterwards either, but I woke up alone, like always.

Now I feel empty.. I don't know if you've ever experienced that emptiness, when you feel like your physical body is lost somewhere and you're carrying around a heavy ghost.. A really heavy ghost.




Imi spune si mie careva ce zi e.. sau cat e ceasul? Merge cineva sa-mi ia un packet de kent de la magazinul romanesc?.. L-as ruga pe E, dar m-am purtat ca o idioara aseara si nu mai suna inapoi..

Nu am incredere in oameni.. Ii e atat de greu sa inteleaga? Nu pot.. E o lectie pe care viata a predat-o subconstientului meu in particular.. iar si iar pana a invatat'o pe de rost. N-am nici un fel de control.
Am tipat la el, am urlat la el, l-am lovit, muscat, zgariat pana cand a crezut ca in sfarsit ma calmasem. Dar cum nu sunt foarte stabila mental, nu m-am calmat. Stiu ca par calma, dar priveste de aproape nebunia din ochii mei in timp ce fumez, linistita, ultima tigara.

I-am verificat telefonul. Nu ma intelege gresit. Niciodata n-am fost geloasa sau posesiva.. Eram beata, si trecand prin criza asta psihologica, alcoolul e destul de periculos pentru mine persoanele din jurul meu. Am vazut ca nu are mesaje incriminatoare. Totusi subconstientul meu, cu temele facute, mi-a strecurat o curiozita.. Cum mi-a salvat numarul? ... ''Alex - magazin''
Ultima data cand mi-am vazut buletinul ma chema tot Corina, si barbatul pe care il iubesc nu avea nimic de ascuns.
Eram beata.. foarte beata, si am avut o dorinta arzatoare sa fac dragoste cu el ne futem. I-am supt pula, dar nu-mi amintesc daca mi-a placut sau nu.. Nu-mi amintesc nici ce s-a intamplat dupa, dar m-am trezit singura, ca de obicei.
Ma simt pustie.. Nu stiu daca ati simtit vreodata golul ala, cand simti ca tot trupul e pierdut si te plimbi carand  un spirit, o umbra mult prea grea.